I dont know why but i can say that i cry a lot now. i do! with everything thats has happen,should happen, could have happen. It just so hard to keep up with everything. i spend a lot of time thinking...thinking of what to do...why didnt i do that? and why is this happening to me? why? why? why?...there are so mane questions and thoughts.. i'm beginning to feel like. i dont know. numb? comfortably numb? i dont know. it just that when everything seems to be going well..there are things that'll screw things up, of cos by myself. how can i be so stupid? fucking ignorance. i hate myself.no dont hate myself. its just, i'm afraid with whats going to happen in the future. i used to be very excited about the future. we can build up this dream and imagines things that u want to be..and in control of what u want to happen.. but now, i'm afraid. i'm afraid of what will happen in the future.kept thinking to myself about this, will Allah permits the way that i want it to be? after all the sins i've done? to family and all..i am so frustrated with myself. i wish i could turn back time. but then again, if i could, then i would never have the chance to know Sox. i love him. yes i really do love him. i want to be with him for the rest of my life. but why didnt i feel happy? is that the punishment that Allah gives to me? will sox loves me forever? will he be succeed in his life? will i be succeed? are our parents will gives us blessing to us? will this and that? :( i dont know. i really really hope so. i know i can be so fu**ing stubborn. i am not a good person. i know. i can really be pain in the ass. i tend no to, but some people just get on my nerves. i hate them. why do they have to be such a jerk? to hell with them!
"Ya Allah, kau permudahkanlah hidupku, maafkanlah segala dosa-dosa ku...kau berikanlah aku petunjuk ke jalan yg benar..permudahkan lah jodoh kami.. tenangkanlah hatiku...buka kan lah pintu hati ku supaya aku tidak lalai dlm mengerjakan segala perintahmu dan suruhan mu Ya Allah..kuatkan lah Iman ku..."